My dream last night made me suddenly realize a lot of things about myself. I dreamed with David again, but I also dreamed about Coleson. It really hurt. I realized that despite the fact that I’ve “let go” of him, it still matters to me, what happens to him. In my dream I was on a bus, me and someone else got on and went towards the front. I got stopped somewhere because of my shoelace, but whoever was with me, I can’t remember, went ahead and I saw as I approached that she had sat in the very first seat. I thought my heart stopped then, because right behind her seat where she was waiting for me, facing me was Coleson. I couldn’t believe it, I had to turn away with my jaw dropped, mumbling “Coleson is here?!” and then I turned back and watched him with an aching heart. Dammit, I’ll never see him again and yet he has this effect on me. I admit it to myself, I was jealous of Melissa, who was his crush. Sometimes I liked Melissa, sometimes I hated her, sometimes I envied her, and sometimes I was glad that I’m not her. I did envy her because she was so sweet. She showed her sweetness, and I hid mine. In my dream he kissed her lightly on the cheek, she was sitting on the opposite side of the isle. To me forever separate, and yet ever together. It hurt so much that I can’t describe it. I liked Missy because she was a nice person, and when I liked her I was also glad that I wasn’t her. I only hated her because Coleson liked her, I was jealous. I admit it now, dammit, I wish I could find Coleson again and tell the whole thing to him. I fill like a coward… I couldn’t handle my emotions then, and I didn’t follow my heart. In other dreams I had with Coleson I made peace with him, with the fact that I’ll probably never see him again, and in others, before I left for Hungary, he loved me. I knew that I would have to keep that strictly to my dreams, because I knew that somehow my fate would never let me stay in Los Alamos. It makes me cry to think about the fact that I had said that I would go through high school there, and I didn’t… it hurts me very much that I didn’t. But I knew that I would not be able to handle it. Still, I’m not sure sometimes that I can handle this school. Sometimes I have regrets… I certainly regret never getting to know Coleson more than I did. Hell, I have difficulty talking to David here, and he’s right in front of me every day I spend in school. Why is it that after all this time I realize that, yes, I still do like Coleson? That yes, it still hurts me very much to think about the idea that one of these days Missy might accept Coleson? I know I have no right whatsoever to be jealous about it, since it was I who never said anything about it when I had the chance. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want other people to hurt because of me. I didn’t want my memory to be a splinter, a wall, if Coleson ever did love Missy like she once claimed, and if they ever did love each other, I would not want to hurt his happiness by leaving a memory, a trace of me. Something he could never have, because I was there, and then I was gone. Now I am here, and I know that in 2008 I’m leaving here too. I have to face David every day with the knowledge that in 2008 I will leave Hungary. It hurts, and I try to put it out of my mind. But with Coleson… dammit, when he asked “what do we have here?” in the library when those people sold things on two big tables, when he asked that he picked up the rings, and I, seeing that… the first thought that came to mind was that he was thinking about Missy. And I replied “not much” and I moved on! *wail* I can’t ever forgive myself for moving on! And when he asked me when I was born, in that game in Skills class? I found out that he was 5 days older than me. Yes, I wanted to say something. Of course, just then, the teacher ordered us to be silent. When I look back to it, Missy was a splinter in *my* mind, but greater than that was my love for Coleson. I’m eternally regretful that I never had a decent conversation with him. At one time I thought we had a telepathic communication… but I’m not sure that I didn’t just make it up. Look, I’ve never loved someone like that, the summers I spent away, I very literally thought of him every single day. There wasn’t one day I didn’t think of him. My final realization that I had lost a chance was the last day of school, when we went to some park, and we had this big party for the graduating 8th graders. The last time I saw him he was sitting down against a wall, eating a snow cone. I saw him there, and I thought, it would be so easy to just go there and sit next to him and talk to him. It would be so easy. And I stopped myself because I thought about what it would do to him to find out that I loved him, and that I would never see him again most likely. I tried to let go of him, to forget him, but last night I found out that after two years, it still hurts. I don’t know if it would have been better to tell him then, or did I do the right thing by denying myself what I needed in light of his happiness. And now suddenly I want him to know everything, the whole story. So what do I do now? He can never get to know me like I wanted him to, my dream that I had once, will never come true. I know it, and still, it hurts. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like David because of Coleson. It’s just that Coleson will always have a special place in my memory… and regrettably it’s very painful. Would you believe me if I said I loved both of them? I liked everything about Coleson, I liked his eyes, his hair, his smile, the way he walked, his voice, his small actions and motions, I liked everything that I saw. Of course, you might ask, how can I like someone like that who I’ve never gotten to know? Who knows, maybe if I had gotten to know him I would have been disenchanted, and I wouldn’t like him in the same way, but in a different way. But somehow I doubt that. I think I would have just liked him more. No matter what things people told me about him, for example, just random things, it didn’t change the way that I felt about him. I never told any of my friends in Los Alamos. Sometimes one of my friends would say something, and then I would memorize it as another cute characteristic. Dang it, they said he was immature and acted like a clown, and hell, I didn’t care! I still liked him! And, *sigh* I’ve tried so hard to face myself with the fact that I will never see him again, unless my fate decides that I should… which I doubt. Well, even if he will never ever find out anything about my emotional upheaval, even if he never remembers me… it feels good to get it out and write it down. Lol, after I said all this, I don’t know what I would do if he found out! I think, in keeping with my irritating characteristics, I would panic… but I wouldn’t deny it. It feels good to admit that I had human reactions like jealousy. We say that it’s wrong, and that you shouldn’t be jealous, and I know this. But I think that it is important that when we feel it, we don’t suppress it, but we admit it, face it, accept it, and let it go, realizing that in light of the love we carry, it is such a small thing, our love does not decrease because of it. I have been told many times, many tests have shown, and many healers have told me that I am driven by love, my unconscious, my soul is driven by love. I believe it, I want to share my love with others. Dammit, I want to tell Coleson how much I still love him, even though I’ve tried to forget him. I know better, I won’t forget him, and I won’t try to again. Thank you, Coleson, for giving me someone to think about, someone to love in exactly the way that I do you. You know, I wonder if he even knows who I am? He once asked me what Rumplestiltskin is in Hungarian, oh, however you spell it! I’ve since found out that the translation for it is Tűzmanó. What I told him was the pronunciation in Hungarian, but oh, well. I had only heard the story in English, but since then my sister was born, Lily, and she speaks Hungarian, of course, and her mom, my stepmom, Anna, she read the story out to her and I recognized it instantly. Of course, you can guess who I was thinking about.

I was not feeling good for St. Patrick's day... So I didn't go out. But I would love to hear what your did. Please tell me what you did for St. Patrick's day! I hope it was better then mine. If you go to my page, read the comments for the day after St. Patrick's day... and It will tell you what I did. Please post what you did... (It will cheer me up to hear other people's fun stories.) Click Here to go to My Journal

Happy Birthday Carieta (Blog Pal - U.K.)  / View Message  / Post a message to Carieta /  (Carieta posted just today on her journal today is her Birthday! Please everyone, please make her day a little more special a post a message here for her. Then what I would do, is sent her the link to all her Birthday Messages you gave to her, to make her birthday that much more special. Please help me in making her birthday the greatest.)