Well.... my brief return into the days of the light, looking back at the very first blog message that said I was in love with Akkarin. Since then it's been almost two years. F*** him.

Yep, I've changed..... so, anyone who wants to see the new, dark me..... http://widdershins_of_doom.bravejournal.com (me of now),
me that was still in love with that bastard (no one who wants to live mention his name.... http://finally_alone.bravejournal.com (me that was a naive fool),
and the part of me which I will NEVER finish, but I started..... http://sleepwalker_wishmaster.bravejournal.com (the unfinished legacy of manipulative vengeance).

O' course, most of that is in Hungarian. But ye get the feel of the place. I've taken off the letter-background of the second -- part of my detachment.

I went totally crazy yesterday... I do believe this computer is quite... loony, to put it mildly. This mirror effect is quite effectively irritating. In fact, I can't STAND this. Ah, well. Akkarin still hasn't come back *sob* O_o this computer is really, really... irksome. Well, I go to check my email, and obsessively check Old Kingdom in vain. Heh, OMG. If any of those guys found out that this was my webjournal... I think I'd *die* Ah well. All for now. I'm going to change that thing.

Ok... let me introduce you all to Akkarin... heh, my new LOVE! I don't care about the others now all of a sudden, he's shut out all of them...

And that's all I wanted to say. Yes, I'm waiting for him too! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowl...

And I'm totally OUTRAGED! I have to get my sister in 10 frigging minutes! Not enough time. I hate this! Ahhh! I'm going crazy, I can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Whoa, I wanted this to be a happier post... whatever...

lol...

AHHHH!!! I CAN'T STAND THIS WAITING!!!! *sob*

You have no... idea... how LONG I've been just WAITING... and I can't STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!

*muffled scream* :-X No mas! BITTE, KEGYELMEZZ NEKEM, SORS, pleeeeeeaaaase!!!! I've had enough!!!!!!

I am literally sitting here, pondering upon how much I've had enough of waiting!

Nem... egyszerűen NEM bírom tovább! Elegem van! Elég legyen! SZENVEDÉS, nem megmondtam, hogy haggyál békén?! De komolyan gondoltam!

NO MORE! ENOUGH!

*pant*
I don't know... I'm just up to here with waiting... I'm going to scream into a pillow now, this is it! The FINAL end of ends! My patience has RUN OUT! NOW!!!!!

Ah, well, I *was* going to post days ago... but it didn't work. Now I have time, though.

This Wednesday I go to see Judit in BP; nervous about getting to the train...

But what I *really* want to talk about is today. It's true, in History I wrote a totally failure "answering", and it'll probaby turn out to be a 1, but still. Even Chemistry was tolerable.

Nowadays I'm just waiting. I don't "want" anything, I don't know anything. I mean, I have no replies, I don't know. And I can't decide things either.

Heh, I ate luch today... and in the totally empty lunch room Da Sweetness sat down next to me... lol. And said 'hi'. So I said something, and we had a conversation.

O' course, I did most of the talking... but anyway. It was awesome. And he didn't even sit across from me, but right *next* to me!!! *excited giggles*

I'm about to die...

Inside...

I can't go to the same school next year. That's it. Life's gone. Now what...?

So that's all I can say... it's hopeless...

And I thought I would write more in the actual text, lol. Well, here I am, in school, and I'm sitting at a P1, which is driving me to the limits of my sanity. I can't stand these finger-working keyboards either. So yes, the topic was "today". I was cheery, for having gotten my hands on Boum Boum, Silent Warrior (again) from Enigma, and Listening Wind from Talking Heads. That is an awesome song! And also I got Vertigo from U2.

Well, I also had a nice exchange with Ester, we agreed that as soon as my computer is fixed, she'll lend me Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights on DVD. Awesome. Love that movie. Heh, I know it doesn't sound like me, but hey. Some diversity don't hurt none.

Got a nice letter from Larry, and I'd like to reply to Joseph as well. Mom and I have been having this awesome series of conversations via email.

So today I smiled a lot, and felt a little better. O' course, I'm not feeling exactly at my best at the moment, but anyway. The whispering of neighbors is incessant, and annoying... ah, well. The price I pay for writing in school!

So, I'm still on the topic of "today". I really, really hope I don't have to take care of my sister again this afternoon, yesterday was just too much for me to handle. Lejla says she was sweet when she was singing in the phone when I called her, but since she was swinging on my back and pulling my hair, I didn't enjoy it so much... well, Lily is just that way: other people love her, and to them she is sweet. To us, well, we love her too, but she's a brat a lot of the time. Well, I don't mind usually, only when I have a lot to do and she is deliberately impossible.

Lejla said today that I should talk to David, but I still keep saying "I can't". Of course, I know I could if I had the strength and courage. It's just... difficult... I still haven't resolved Coleson, and it's my firm belief that I cannot move on before I close that darn past of mine, bring me of the past forward. Lejla interjects: she not only says that I should talk to him, but that it was pre-tested for me; she talked to him before, when I was absent, and now she's thoroughly convinced that I can do it too. Well. We'll see about that. *grin*

So, "today". Well, I said to myself that I wouldn't keep saying things like "tomorrow is Thursday" and "Yesterday was Tuesday" and so on. But I'm afraid that I keep forgetting! I promised myself that on Monday I wouldn't complain about anything, I'm not sure if I kept it or not. *confused look*

As happens so often to me, I have to go again, just before I can come to a conclusion. Ah, well. Whatever.

I'm getting afraid of this empty window...

Right now I'm feeling a little emotially bruised. Dammit, sometimes I hate being pretty. And I hate this stupid smiley advertisement. It bugs me to end's Earth. I think in some respects I haven't changed any. And I hate the internet. I hate it! All these people are out there with no good intentions...
I'm through with my exploration phase. I know where I'm welcomed on the net, I know where I feel at home, and I don't wish to go any further. The places I joined in the past few months just haven't done anything for me, I have too few good experiences there.
And I'm tired of the sterile, emotionless writing I get from some people, all they are is function messages and no more. You won't see me around there anymore.
Dammit, I hate it when... well, it doesn't matter.

I didn't go to school today, I wasn't feeling well. Now my head hurts, and I should be studying or at least reading. And I still have to watch this movie which I've been putting off. And I'm hungry. And I have to get my sister.

I'm gonna go play runescape for a while, to try and distract me.

Well, yes, I haven't been on in quite a while. Looking back at the eons of time between now and my last post (half a month), I decided to skip remembering back to all those days one by one.

So, I had my break, I was trying to read A rózsa neve (Name of the Rose?) by Umberto Eco like crazy, trying to finish it by today. Well, I didn't. I'm at about 149 pages... out of 616. Yeah.

I hated Wednesday, because I knew it would be the last time I get to see Dávid for a long time. I started to think how wonderful it is that we only have 2 days of weekend under normal circumstances. 6 whole days without getting in touch with either of them.
Of course, the letter that was promised to me a week ago didn't come. So I can't reach Coleson, I'm still not "there" with Dávid. Not as a comparison; a first time "there", don't mistake me. Am I making sense...?

Anyhow. The sciences are actually not so bad... just wish my literature/language arts were better.

Dávid, Dávid, Dávid. *grins* well, now he started this thing... where he looks at me in this 'hard' way. He reminds me of myself; it's the kind of look that you give out of defiance, like "well, I'm going to show what I feel, dammit," and lock eyes for a second. I think my record is two and a half seconds... maybe three...
Well, he started saying hi to me as well. I was so surprised, today too, he said bye as he walked passed me. I wasn't sure if he said it to me (I mean, he didn't make it very obvious, lol, he has as much confidence as me sometimes!), but I answered.
It is like a game; one of us looks for a long moment, the other looks away, then we do it again and switch.

It seems every time I've tried to post here the text either got deleted, or I ran out of time, or the computer broke down, or something. So now I'm writing like mad, trying to catch up! *loses breath*

In short, my break was enlightening and spiritual. And filled with pinings, lol. But of course, most of my breaks are like that. I read a lot... and I still didn't get anywhere! Grrowl. By the by, A rózsa neve is going on my favorites list, I love it! If you can get through the first 50 or 60 pages, you're in for a treat...

And my book!

I had the MOST SENSATIONAL plot idea that I can't catch my breath ever since... it's fantastic, amazing, like jaw dropping! I can't believe I thought of it, it's so good... ok, I'll stop!

Lol, I talked to Mom again... I find more and more that my talks with her are very inspirational; I feel like she's become a true best friend, lol. Really. So's Dad actually, he's like my combined psychologist and my friend (and Dad, lol).

OK, here I go: YES, I DO! *deep breath* there, I said it.

To find out what... well, you'll just have to wait!

My dream last night made me suddenly realize a lot of things about myself.

I dreamed with David again, but I also dreamed about Coleson.

It really hurt.

I realized that despite the fact that I’ve “let go” of him, it still matters to me, what happens to him. In my dream I was on a bus, me and someone else got on and went towards the front. I got stopped somewhere because of my shoelace, but whoever was with me, I can’t remember, went ahead and I saw as I approached that she had sat in the very first seat. I thought my heart stopped then, because right behind her seat where she was waiting for me, facing me was Coleson.
I couldn’t believe it, I had to turn away with my jaw dropped, mumbling “Coleson is here?!” and then I turned back and watched him with an aching heart. Dammit, I’ll never see him again and yet he has this effect on me.
I admit it to myself, I was jealous of Melissa, who was his crush. Sometimes I liked Melissa, sometimes I hated her, sometimes I envied her, and sometimes I was glad that I’m not her. I did envy her because she was so sweet. She showed her sweetness, and I hid mine. In my dream he kissed her lightly on the cheek, she was sitting on the opposite side of the isle. To me forever separate, and yet ever together. It hurt so much that I can’t describe it. I liked Missy because she was a nice person, and when I liked her I was also glad that I wasn’t her. I only hated her because Coleson liked her, I was jealous. I admit it now, dammit, I wish I could find Coleson again and tell the whole thing to him.
I fill like a coward… I couldn’t handle my emotions then, and I didn’t follow my heart. In other dreams I had with Coleson I made peace with him, with the fact that I’ll probably never see him again, and in others, before I left for Hungary, he loved me. I knew that I would have to keep that strictly to my dreams, because I knew that somehow my fate would never let me stay in Los Alamos.
It makes me cry to think about the fact that I had said that I would go through high school there, and I didn’t… it hurts me very much that I didn’t. But I knew that I would not be able to handle it. Still, I’m not sure sometimes that I can handle this school. Sometimes I have regrets… I certainly regret never getting to know Coleson more than I did. Hell, I have difficulty talking to David here, and he’s right in front of me every day I spend in school.

Why is it that after all this time I realize that, yes, I still do like Coleson? That yes, it still hurts me very much to think about the idea that one of these days Missy might accept Coleson?
I know I have no right whatsoever to be jealous about it, since it was I who never said anything about it when I had the chance. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want other people to hurt because of me. I didn’t want my memory to be a splinter, a wall, if Coleson ever did love Missy like she once claimed, and if they ever did love each other, I would not want to hurt his happiness by leaving a memory, a trace of me. Something he could never have, because I was there, and then I was gone. Now I am here, and I know that in 2008 I’m leaving here too.
I have to face David every day with the knowledge that in 2008 I will leave Hungary. It hurts, and I try to put it out of my mind.

But with Coleson… dammit, when he asked “what do we have here?” in the library when those people sold things on two big tables, when he asked that he picked up the rings, and I, seeing that… the first thought that came to mind was that he was thinking about Missy. And I replied “not much” and I moved on! *wail* I can’t ever forgive myself for moving on!
And when he asked me when I was born, in that game in Skills class? I found out that he was 5 days older than me. Yes, I wanted to say something. Of course, just then, the teacher ordered us to be silent.

When I look back to it, Missy was a splinter in *my* mind, but greater than that was my love for Coleson. I’m eternally regretful that I never had a decent conversation with him.

At one time I thought we had a telepathic communication… but I’m not sure that I didn’t just make it up.
Look, I’ve never loved someone like that, the summers I spent away, I very literally thought of him every single day. There wasn’t one day I didn’t think of him.

My final realization that I had lost a chance was the last day of school, when we went to some park, and we had this big party for the graduating 8th graders. The last time I saw him he was sitting down against a wall, eating a snow cone. I saw him there, and I thought, it would be so easy to just go there and sit next to him and talk to him. It would be so easy. And I stopped myself because I thought about what it would do to him to find out that I loved him, and that I would never see him again most likely.
I tried to let go of him, to forget him, but last night I found out that after two years, it still hurts. I don’t know if it would have been better to tell him then, or did I do the right thing by denying myself what I needed in light of his happiness. And now suddenly I want him to know everything, the whole story.

So what do I do now? He can never get to know me like I wanted him to, my dream that I had once, will never come true. I know it, and still, it hurts.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like David because of Coleson. It’s just that Coleson will always have a special place in my memory… and regrettably it’s very painful. Would you believe me if I said I loved both of them?

I liked everything about Coleson, I liked his eyes, his hair, his smile, the way he walked, his voice, his small actions and motions, I liked everything that I saw. Of course, you might ask, how can I like someone like that who I’ve never gotten to know? Who knows, maybe if I had gotten to know him I would have been disenchanted, and I wouldn’t like him in the same way, but in a different way. But somehow I doubt that. I think I would have just liked him more. No matter what things people told me about him, for example, just random things, it didn’t change the way that I felt about him. I never told any of my friends in Los Alamos. Sometimes one of my friends would say something, and then I would memorize it as another cute characteristic. Dang it, they said he was immature and acted like a clown, and hell, I didn’t care! I still liked him!

And, *sigh* I’ve tried so hard to face myself with the fact that I will never see him again, unless my fate decides that I should… which I doubt.

Well, even if he will never ever find out anything about my emotional upheaval, even if he never remembers me… it feels good to get it out and write it down. Lol, after I said all this, I don’t know what I would do if he found out! I think, in keeping with my irritating characteristics, I would panic… but I wouldn’t deny it.

It feels good to admit that I had human reactions like jealousy. We say that it’s wrong, and that you shouldn’t be jealous, and I know this. But I think that it is important that when we feel it, we don’t suppress it, but we admit it, face it, accept it, and let it go, realizing that in light of the love we carry, it is such a small thing, our love does not decrease because of it.

I have been told many times, many tests have shown, and many healers have told me that I am driven by love, my unconscious, my soul is driven by love. I believe it, I want to share my love with others. Dammit, I want to tell Coleson how much I still love him, even though I’ve tried to forget him.

I know better, I won’t forget him, and I won’t try to again. Thank you, Coleson, for giving me someone to think about, someone to love in exactly the way that I do you.

You know, I wonder if he even knows who I am? He once asked me what Rumplestiltskin is in Hungarian, oh, however you spell it! I’ve since found out that the translation for it is Tűzmanó. What I told him was the pronunciation in Hungarian, but oh, well. I had only heard the story in English, but since then my sister was born, Lily, and she speaks Hungarian, of course, and her mom, my stepmom, Anna, she read the story out to her and I recognized it instantly. Of course, you can guess who I was thinking about.